Madhouse
by xXWintersDescent
Summary: Joker and Shepard try to build their first home. Though, between horribly misplaced bathroom fixtures, territorial krogan, and Aralynn's strange idea of domestic bliss…he's just glad the place is still standing.


The acrid smell of wood polish and wet paint had never seemed so good. Aralynn Shepard took a deep breath and smiled, her violet eyes scanning the ever-materializing stucco walls. Tiny, elegant skylights rimmed the top of the front hall, letting silver streams of light cascade in and illuminate the high, sloped ceiling. Around her, a work team - consisting of turians, humans, and a few helpful members of the Normandy's crew – dutifully swarmed about, applying white paint with foam rollers and hammering elegant wood moldings to the junction between floor and wall. Power tools whirred in the background, along with the occasional shout or comment from the supervisors. Through the archway to her left, Aralynn could see the telltale blue flare of biotics as workers busily lifted windows and countertops into place.

She dug her toes into the luxurious red carpet, her grin growing ever-wider. In the corner of her mind's eye, she could almost see baby Shepard-feet, clad in miniature combat boots, pattering across the soft surface. Yep, a whole passel of dark-haired, overly sarcastic children having make-believe dogfights with remote control starships. Her gaze drifted over to the sunny alcove, lined by a breathtaking glass mural, visible at the end of the hall. There would be the crib, she decided – a lovely camouflage-colored one, with a mobile of tiny, brightly-colored shotguns rotating soothingly above it.

Of course, being a newlywed, she had no intentions of trading in her life as a freelance bounty hunter just _yet_ – but it was nice to dream. Her pilot-turned-best-friend-turned-husband surely had no objections to whatever she planned out for her life; whatever kept the peace – and prevented Aralynn from setting things on fire with her mind – was fine with him. He'd even taken her last name, at her very vehement insistence.

"So, what do you think?" Joker asked hopefully, spreading out his arms to indicate the nearly-finished room.

"I love it!" Aralynn gushed. "You know, I was pretty ticked when you said you wanted to keep this a surprise – but you're actually pretty good at this whole house-planning thing."

"I'm just glad you weren't here when we were putting up the wall scaffolding," he muttered under his breath. "Good Lord, I'd never _seen_ so much duct tape in my _life-_"

"What was that?" she asked, sidling over to stand next to him.

"Nothing, dear," he quickly amended. He smiled and kissed Aralynn atop the head as she slung an appreciative arm around him.

She sighed contentedly, watching the construction-related bedlam continue around them. Life nowadays was almost too good to be true – the Reapers had been defeated, the Collectors were eradicated, and Cerberus was now completely bankrupt due to certain…_expenses_…that she may or may not have purposely incurred.

Aralynn wished she could've seen the Illusive Man's face when he received that invoice for eight-hundred-thousand rolls of duct tape. Navigating through the Normandy's cargo hold had been hell after that; but it was worth it. She looked at the ceiling contemplatively, wondering where exactly the duct tape had disappeared to…

It didn't matter, she supposed. The best thing about her newfound freedom was that she could finally have her fairytale ending. True, the 'princess' in this case was a brash, gun-toting hipster, and the 'knight in shining armor' was a former cripple who piloted a starship, but Aralynn was never one for clichés anyway. She sighed contentedly and leaned against Joker's shoulder, resuming her daydreams of domestic paradise.

_Finally_, everything was going the way it should. Aralynn was happy; not her usual, tired, 'nothing is shooting at us, so I can afford to take a break and smile' brand of happy, but a genuine, all-encompassing happiness that made her smile and look eagerly toward the future.

And then she caught sight of the toilet proudly resting against the wall of her parlor.

Aralynn's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she regarded the bathroom fixture. It was rather odd that an uninstalled latrine would still be sitting in the frontmost room of a nearly-finished house.

Her confusion was quickly replaced by dismay as she realized that it was actually _attached_ to the wall, pipes and everything. The porcelain commode seemed to stare back at her defiantly, cruelly deflating her bubble of unadulterated joy with its' utter ridiculousness.

"Hey, love?" she asked with fake nonchalance, reaching up to tweak the bill of her husband's hat. "When I told you, 'I want a house that makes me feel like a queen in her very own castle of awesomeness', I didn't really have that type of 'throne' in mind."

Joker's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Aw, crap," he muttered. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice that."

Aralynn crossed her arms and glared at him indignantly. "Joker, there is a _toilet_ ten feet away from my _front door_! How, exactly, does one not notice that?" she snapped.

"Have I told you how pretty you look today?" the pilot replied, grinning sheepishly.

"Explain," she gritted out, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Okay, well…the person I hired to draw up the blueprints may have _accidentally_ overlooked the _slight little detail_ of adding a wall between the front parlor and the downstairs bathroom."

"Well, why didn't you say anything to the building crew?" she demanded.

"I didn't actually know about it until I saw Udina Jr. perched here one fateful morning," he explained, gesturing to the offending latrine. "I just thought they were making the room really spacious, is all."

Aralynn spluttered angrily, "How could you not _notice_…is it so difficult to…just let me see the blueprints!"

Reluctantly, Joker reached into his pocket and withdrew a well-worn piece of paper, bracing himself as he deposited it into Aralynn's waiting hand. "I think this is a wonderful time to remind you that I'm still semi-breakable-"

Aralynn took a deep breath and looked up at him, her sparkling violet eyes reduced to pools of simmering anger. "Why…are…these…in…_crayon_?" she screamed hysterically, her voice building up in volume until all the newly-installed windows shattered simultaneously.

"Dang it, there goes my deposit!" Joker protested, looking dejectedly at the now-empty window frames. He turned back to Aralynn, who was now pacing agitatedly and holding her head in her hands. "Hey, hey," he soothed, catching her by the arm and placing both hands on her shoulders. "It's not a _total_ disaster. You know, if we decorated the thing with enough useless knick-knacks, we can probably pass it off as some kind of modern artwork."

"I guess we could," Aralynn conceded, the disappointment still evident in her voice.

"And it doesn't even matter how the house looks," he added confidently, "What's important is that it's all ours; just you, me…and that psychotic tank-born krogan you insisted on adopting."

Her anger now spent, she stepped forward and drew him into a hug. "Okay, you're right," Aralynn said. "And hey, Grunt's not _that_ bad. He's actually kind of adorable once you get to know him."

Joker's sarcastic reply was cut short by a piercing yell.

"I. AM. KROGAAAAAAAN!" In a blinding explosion of dust and flying construction materials, the aforementioned alien promptly barreled head-first into the room. Behind him stood a gaping, seven-foot-wide hole in the wall, with wads of insulation, checkered duct tape, and bubble gum hanging from the serrated edges.

"You were saying?" Joker asked dryly.

Aralynn ignored him and screamed, "Dammit, Grunt, that's the third time this month!" The declaration was verified by the work crew's collective groan. One turian even threw down his work cap and stomped out, muttering about the pay being nowhere near enough to put up with this nonsense.

"But, Battlemaster!" Grunt whined, throwing up his massive claws in protest. "I had to defend our clan's fortress!" He bent down and quickly began searching through the rubble, his reptilian features lighting up in an open-mouthed grin as he found what he was looking for. Proudly, he turned the slab of wall around to display a very, very flat spider.

"See?" he implored cheerfully.

Aralynn's hands balled into fists and she began to hyperventilate, glaring daggers at the offending krogan. Joker immediately stepped in to do damage control, holding Aralynn tighter so as to keep her arms firmly pinned to her sides – and more importantly, out of reach of her shotgun holster. "Okay, doll, just take deep breaths and _calm down_," he said gently. "Hey, do you remember those life-saving techniques you learned from Kelly?"

"Joker, those were anger management techniques!" Aralynn snapped.

"To me and the rest of the galaxy, there's really no difference," he shrugged. "C'mon, just calm down. Please?"

Aralynn let out a sigh and counted, _very slowly_, to ten. When her fury had abated somewhat, she stepped away from her husband and asked, "Grunt, what did I tell you about crashing through walls?"

Grunt hung his head and sheepishly toed a line in the carpet. "That it's bad, and it tends to make people call the police on us," he mumbled.

"Good," Aralynn replied, her condescendingly patient tone sounding very, very strained. "Now what are you going to do?"

He pouted and replied, "Stop and think about what I've done." Dropping the piece of masonry in his hands, he reluctantly skulked over to the nearest corner.

"Ah-ah-ah," Aralynn interjected, her hand outstretched. "You know the routine. You'll get your assault rifle privileges back _after_ you finish your time-out." Scowling, Grunt reluctantly removed the firearm from its' holster and handed it to Aralynn. Then, he stomped over to the intended corner and plopped down with a muted _thump_.

"I swear, kids these days," she muttered, shaking her head exasperatedly.

"I know," Joker grinned. "It's lucky you have me here to help keep him in line."

"Please. He scares the crap out of you, and you know it," she replied, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Well, you don't have to say it aloud!" he protested, the smile falling from his face. "He just punched a _hole_ through our wall trying to kill a _spider_! I think I have the right to be just a little intimidated here, don't you think?"

Aralynn rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Yes, I suppose you do," she sing-songed, reaching up to tweak his hat again.

"You know, I just _love_ it when you patronize me like that," he drawled sarcastically.

"I know, right? What would you ever do without me?" she replied, just as sarcastic. They shared a smile, the familiar banter momentarily taking them back to the firstNormandy.

The moment was promptly interrupted by Garrus, who barreled through the kitchen entryway with a flock of multicolored parakeets in hot pursuit. Tali frantically chased after the screaming turian, simultaneously yelling out instructions and snapping pictures with her omnitool.

Aralynn, Joker, and the remaining work crew promptly dove for the floor, hands clasped over their heads to shield themselves from the cloud of enraged birds. Garrus began to run in circles, swiping frantically at the circling animals.

"_Tali!_" he roared. "Stop taking still-frames and _help me_!"

"I'm _trying!_" she replied. Poor Tali was bouncing around nervously, her three-fingered hands weaving through the air as she tried to come up with another solution. "I've got it!" she declared with an excited jump. "Ummm…your species originated from avian ancestors, right? What if you tried to talk to them, you know; tell them you're not a threat?"

"It's worth a shot!" he yelled back. Skidding to a halt, Garrus began to emit a series of terrified-sounding clicks, chirps, and trills; no doubt, an archaic turian language. The parakeets seemed to actually pause and look at each other for a moment, as they considered the turian's desperate pleas. That is; until they latched on to Garrus' head with their tiny little talons and began pecking relentlessly.

"It didn't work!" Garrus bellowed, continuing to run around the room with arms akimbo. "I think I insulted them – aah, not the eyes! _Not the eyes!_"

Tali, ignoring the turian's frenzied cries, placed her hands on her hips condescendingly. "Garrus, that's stupid," she admonished. "You can't insult _birds_." She was promptly proved incorrect as a large hawk crashed through the skylight – talons bared in an attack run – and made straight for the terrified pair.

"Oh, Keelah – _run for your life!_" Tali screeched, as she and Garrus threw their arms into the air and sprinted through the newly-made hole in the wall. They were followed closely by the seething menagerie; the hawk still sailing through the air with an almighty shriek.

"Don't worry, Battlemaster, I'll save them!" Grunt declared, rising from his seat in the corner. He spun on his heel and charged, bashing an identical hole in the wall not three feet away from its predecessor.

As silence finally settled over the room, Joker propped himself up on his forearms and looked at his wife with concern. Aralynn was still face-down in the carpet, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as tears streamed down her face. He felt as if his heart had just dropped down into his stomach; he wanted their homecoming to be perfect, and then all _this_ had to happen-

Aralynn looked up and met his gaze, her cheeks puffing out for a moment before she burst into peals of hysterical laughter. She rolled onto her back and clutched her stomach, laughing until her face turned dark red and she could barely draw breath anymore.

"Oh my gosh…aha…did that just-" Aralynn spluttered, swallowing heavily as the laughter finally died away. "Best homecoming ever, I swear."

Joker stared at her in disbelief. "So…you're not mad?" he asked incredulously.

"Nope," she replied airily. "Well, I was at first, but then I remembered - since when does our life _ever_ go the way we planned? Heck, I'm still waiting for a giant metal squid to come crashing through the roof!"

As the screams and tweeting outside gradually reached a crescendo, Aralynn stared at the decimated wall and added, "Should I even ask about the parakeets?"

"Uh…actually, those were supposed to be a surprise," Joker explained nervously. "I know how you sometimes like to sit by the fishtank on the Normandy and just think about things – usually Akuze, or the Reapers, or Cerberus – so I had an aviary built for you here. I thought maybe being surrounded by cute, twittering…mildly vicious…little birds would help cheer you up."

Aralynn grinned from ear-to-ear and sat up, reaching out to help Joker up as well. "Y'know what, flyboy, I love you," she said.

Joker teased, "Even if our vows didn't say anything about rampaging aliens or misplaced latrines or vicious little tropical birds?"

"Duh," she promptly replied. "Now are you going to say it back or what?"

"Love you too," he laughed.

"So…you think we should get out there and help fix this mess?" Aralynn asked reluctantly.

"I call dibs on the parakeets. You take care of the krogan," he was quick to reply.

"No, love, don't be a hero," Aralynn droned sarcastically.

"All in a day's work," he quipped.

Aralynn shook her head amusedly as they got up, running out to rejoin the chaos that was their life. Sure, she would've been perfectly happy in a rented flat on the Citadel, surrounded by takeout boxes and game controllers.

This was just so much more _fun_.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading this! **

**Ahaha...well...shows what happens when you have enough weird dreams. *shrug* Yep, I actually dreamt that first bit about Shepard, Joker, and the parlor toilet...the rest is my rather nonsensical, sarcastic sense of humor. Just couldn't get the idea out of my head. **

**Now I'm starting to speculate about Shepard having long-lost redneck relatives who randomly show up to her wedding.**

**Eh, maybe another time. ;) Back to my (somewhat) serious Mass Effect writing.**


End file.
